naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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