I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
