PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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