The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
