any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
