Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
