I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
