the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
