dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
