Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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