my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
