you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
