Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
