I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
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I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
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I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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