hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
