Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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