Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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