im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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