My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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