Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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