she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just pee around me
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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