At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
