Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Randomize
