Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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