I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
