Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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