guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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