well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
