I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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