note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
i need some magic done to my vagina
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
