every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
