Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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