your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
