I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
