I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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