no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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