take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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