i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
