New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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