I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
