Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
