The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
