Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
