hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
