..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
