I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
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At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
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Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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