why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
