she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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