Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
