My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
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It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
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Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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