Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
