She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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