I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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