sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
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i would one night stand the shit outta him
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
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After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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