Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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