I think my fart just growled at me.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
