I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
