My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
