Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
