You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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