I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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