Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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