Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
